When bad food happens to good people...

MOZAIC RESTAURANT

Awards & Accolades
 San Pellegrino Guide 2009 – ranked 84th of the Best 100 Restaurants in the World
 Miele Guide 2008 - Top 5 Best Restaurant in Asia, rank: nr. 5
 Miele guide 2009 – Top 10 Restaurants in Asia, rank: nr. 6
 Hospitality Asia Platinum Awards - South East Asia's Most Innovative Western Cuisine Restaurant 2008
 Hospitality Asia Platinum Awards - Indonesia Restaurant of the Year 2008
 Yak Awards - Best Ubud Restaurant, 2008
 Wine Spectator - Award of Excellence 2006, 07, 08
 Traditions et Qualité – Les Grandes Tables du Monde (Best Restaurants of the World) 2004, 05, 06, 07, 08, 09
 Indonesia Tatler - Best Restaurant in Indonesia 2006, 07
 Prestige Magazine - Best Restaurant in Indonesia 2006
 Wine & Dine Magazine - Best Restaurant in Indonesia 2004
 Best Bets - ‘Best of the Best Restaurants’ 2003,’04,’05,’06, 07-08

Also as listed in the Time Out 'Top Ten things to do in Bali". The Rough Guide and Lonely Planet rate it highly and every single person we have met has waxed lyrical about it.

It is also, officially, one of the worst meals (possibly THE worst) I have ever had in my life.

We arrive early (no room at Nuris for us to have a pre-dinner martini). We are greeted and taken to sit in the lounge area (nice, but could have been anywhere in the world). We order cocktails and ask if we can eat a little earlier than our reservation time. We are told that will not be a problem, so far so good. The menu has four options. A discovery menu (Indonesian), a Vegetarian tasting menu (Indonesian), a taster menu (French) and a Chefs Menu (110 not stated). The Chefs and the Vegetarian menus are at the discretion of the chef, the rest are stated.

Now I do love a fancy restaurant and a tasting menu so this was THE big treat for me this holiday.

The menu takes a bit of reading (you need to recover from the pricing, it claims to be GBP 45 in all the write ups). While we were doing so a waitress came and asked if we were ready to order and we asked for a few more minutes.

Cocktails arrived (not the GBO30 chefs special cocktails I hasten to add) and were drunk. Quite nice but not impressive. And then we sat with empty glasses. And sat, and sat, and sat. Finally one of the waitresses we had frantically been making eye contact with came over and advised that we had missed our slot when we had been asked to order earlier. No waiting time stated, no chance to order more drinks...

A while later we were taken to our table (along with the dissolved ice in our long-finished cocktail glasses) and ordered one vegetarian menu, one discovery menu and the accompanying wines. As this was the treat night of the holiday (I laugh dryly to myself as I type) we decided to have the fine wine accompaniment. 462ml (yes, I thought that was an odd amount too) for the extortionate price of GBP80pp. Still. This was going to be good! Fine wines and tasting menus at a World Renowned Restaurant!!

Time passes, we order mineral water. The amuse-bouche arrives - no drinks. Time passes, bread arrives. No drinks. The first course arrives along with the first tasting wine, (I remind you, GBP80 per person - to put this in context a 60 minute massage costs GBP6 here and our beautiful hotel GBP40 per night).

I eagerly awaited the treats that were to arrive....

...my first 'fine' wine was an Italian Pinot Grigio. And one I am certain they sell at All Bar One in the wharf. It's not one of the more expensive ones... First course was fine. However, maintaining hope, I was sure round two would be better.

Course two. I forget what the food was (it certainly wasn't memorable). Fine Wine two. A Chardonnay from Chilie. No comment. (I was more amused that horrified, this felt like a surreal experience and I was waiting for someone with a camera to jump out from under our table and tell us it was a set up).

I suggested we head home (DW had just been served a Riesling that tasted like apple juice. Warm apple juice).

But we stayed. Round three I was presented with two dates covered in something that tasted like lemon curd. These came with a Californian Pinot Noir. I left the majority of this only to have the staff demand "what is wrong with the food" - not in a gently concerned manner!

At this point I pretty much gave up eating and focused on peering at the other diners (business men with hookers (tick), Japanese couple with a ginormous tripod attached to the smallest digital camera I have ever seen (tick), boys on dates wearing inappropriately casual clothes looking awkward every time the menu / price is seen (tick, tick, tick)).

The meal continues like this until we finally were able to leave (we were relived and hot footed it out in the most ridiculously expensive taxi you could imagine). I recall a blended Cabernet Sauvignon. From Spain. We did get a glass of Pol Roger with the tasteless ice cream, and then there was some odd chocolate item that tasted like washing up liquid.

The bill came. Officially the most expensive meal either of us have ever had in our lives, and also the worst. It cost more that the accommodation for the entire holiday put together, and then some. Unbelievable. The service was appalling throughout. I had more fun and better food the evening a friend and I ended up in Burger King Leicester Square (dressed in black tie - McQueen darling - and a wee bit tipsy!).

I am thrilled I opted for not eating the food from the dates/lemon curd onwards as DW is now poorly, poorly sick from something he ate.

What can I say. Fancy food was not a good plan!